Depressed, Alone, Help Please.?

Question by Lexi: depressed, alone, help please.?
I know this is very long, but I don’t know what to do.

I’m 13, and been separated from my mother since i was 10. But, I used to live with my Mother, 2 half brothers, and stepfather. I’m the oldest of the 3. We don’t know who my real father is. My [ex] stepfather started cheating on my mom, he was “staying at work” very late almost every day. and they got divorced. Then my mother started taking drugs [cocaine] and at this point I started staying at my grandmother’s house.

My mother had several boyfriends, and most of which also took drugs and were violent. The house she and my brothers lived in started to look like filth. Half the time, my brothers didn’t even get supper. One of her boyfriends (lets call him “T”), was very violent. T does drugs, and he laid knifes out on the tables, threatening to hurt mom. He has busted down the front door before. And one night he even broke in the house through a window while mom was knocked out taking zanex (Sorry, don’t know how to spell it). Once, he even tried to strangle my mom, but she survived. There were times, where, mom would hide in the bathroom with my brothers (aged 6 and 7 then). Then one day social workers showed up at the front door and took my brothers away.

They took several pictures of the house, it was trashed, and took pictures in the fridge where there was only a half tub of butter and one juice pouch. She was charged with child endangerment and child neglect. Nothing happened to me, however, because all this time i was at my grandmothers.

She was sent to jail. And she got out. She continued drugs. She went back. She got out. She wrote cold checks, stole. She went back. She got out. This continued, and she was sent to prison hundreds of miles away. All this time my brothers have been staying ith their father, and his wife (their step mom). And she just recently got out of prison this november. She stays at her friends house and is doing okay. As far as I know she isn’t doing drugs any more. But, she went to a rehab place, and made my grandmother drive her all the way there, which was pretty far away, and bought her mcdonnalds meal and cigarettes. And she said she’d stay there for 12 months, but she didn’t even stay 12 hours before comming back saying they were too strict. Now, i’m still living with my grandmother.

My mother also drank and drank, and now she’s a diabetic. She has a diabetic sore and ulcers. The sore is on her foot and won’t go away. I have medical problems as well. I have bad allergies to a lot of grasses, and trees,… basically I can’t go outside for over 20 minutes without having an allergic reaction. My grandmother, acts extremely hateful torwards me, although I have done nothing to her but try and respect her. I also have an under active thyroid, which makes me very tired all the time. I have had to be homeschooled. And I started last January, barely a year ago.

But I can’t take living with my grandmother any more. All she does is yell at me all day long. She takes things out on me, even breaks my stuff. She makes fun of me saying I dont have a dad, and I should’nt have been born, it was a drunken mistake. She even tells me she should have taken my brothers in, instead of me. She’d rather have 10 of them then 1 of me. And she all of the time threatens to disown me, and the only friend I have, she hates her guts. She won’t even let me talk to her on the phone or anything, so I can’t even have a social life.

She won’t let me have a sleepover, or even go to someone else’s sleep overs. No play days, no parties, nothing. And any time I even ask for something like that she goes on and on about how her parents wouldn’t let her do anything like that when she was my age, and so on. And when I try to go and visit my brothers, she won’t even let me go, and accuses me of ‘liking’ their stepmother, which I have no opinion on. She cusses me out and calls me bad names, and hits me. When this happens I get really upset and I go to my room and close my door. But it does no good, she follows me, opens my door, and continues screaming at me.

I have no one to talk to and no where to go, even If I did want to leave. I would have ran away, but I fear for my pets, what would happen to them if I was gone? She threatens to “get rid of” my pets all of the time, and any time she lets me get something, she just screams at me over it. Like when she let me get a gerbil, she said it was ok, as long as i paid for it and she didnt have to “see” it. And all she does is complain over that. Same thing with everything else. I’m so depressed right now, I don’t have any friends that I can talk to, any mother I can tell this to, nothing.

And I can’t just report her, they wouldn’t believe me, because no one does. She acts like a totally different person In public, she acts like she cares about me and so on, being nice to everyone, but when we’re alone it’s a different story. And if she did get in trouble, I’d have to live the rest of my life
knowing that I did that to her. I hate her so much, but I can’t help loving her as my family either. I just can’t take it any more, and I’m trapped. And what few chances I’ve got to talk to people about it, they always tell me “tell her how you feel, I’m sure she’ll under stand.”

I tried that before, all she does is mock me when I tell her, and make fun of what I say. I’m going to try to go back to shool this august, my homeschool program (online) won’t let me drop the courses, I have to finish them or they will mark it as a withdrawal failure, and I’ll have to repeat a grade. I told her that, and she says she dont care, and shes sick of me, and that as long as i’m gone all day she couldnt care less. I think shes bipolar or something i dont know. She hasen’t been to the doctor since 1996 and refuses to go.

Any time I tell her she might need to go, she explodes. But there’s nothing I can do.

What should I do? I’m feeling so alone right now, and depressed. Please, help.

Best answer:

Answer by Jose
My suggestions

Go give your mom another chance, or go live with your dad, or another family member, or move into a shelter and go on welfare and finish your school and get your self a job use your experiences to make you stronger.
hope everything turns out good

Answer by Lollipop princess
Wow sweetie.. I’m really sorry that you have to go through something like that because you certainly don’t deserve it. One thing i can tell you to do which always works for me is to pray. It’s as simple as it sounds, get on your knees and pray. You can also try to talk to your school counselor… They should have ways of helping you. I hope everything works out, i pray that things get figured out and no matter what she says, you’re not a mistake and that’s not something you should ever forget. Good luck…