Do You Think This Is a Good Hook for My Essay?!?

Question by J o a n n ?: Do you think this is a good hook for my essay?!?
My essays is about homosexuals being able to adopt.. and im for it

Waiting at the adoption agency thinking about all the amazing memories you will create with your new child. The agent (idk what else to call the person) comes into the office to tell you the heart breaking news that the mother will not allow you to adopt her child, because you are a homosexual. Many women and men go through these difficult obstacles to achieve there one goal in life, to start a family.

Best answer:

Answer by margaret w
While waiting at the adoption agency, their hearts were overjoyed with the thoughts of sharing their lives with a child. The adoption agent came into the office, to tell them the heart breaking news.The Mother would not allow her child to be adopted by homosexuals. Many homosexual and heterosexual couples go through difficult scenarios like this one everyday.

Your sentences are awkward (Sorry) You change tense throughout. Stay in the third tense.
Research and cite it’s not your opinion. Good Luck!

Answer by TychaBrahe
“You are waiting at the adoption agency, thinking about all the amazing memories you will create with your new child. The adoption agent comes into the office to tell you the heart breaking news that the mother will not allow you to adopt her child because you are a homosexual. Many women and men go through these difficult obstacles to achieve their one goal in life, to start a family.”

The first sentence is a fragment. You miss one comma and have an extra one. An adoption agent might be an understandable job title. If it’s a state adoption, this might be a social worker. I don’t think you can say “these difficult obstacles” when you mention only one. And I don’t think you should say “Many women and men,” when this only affects one group of people. And I would draw out the suspense a bit.

“You are waiting at the adoption agency, thinking about all the amazing memories you will create with your new child. You have looked forward to being a dad since you taught your younger cousin to play catch and realized someday you could be doing this with a daughter or son of your own. You can’t wait to introduce your parents to their new grandchild. Then the adoption agent comes into the office to tell you the heart breaking news that the mother will not allow you to adopt her child. You are not a drug user or a criminal. You do not have a history of abusing children or animals. You own a home, are financially stable, and have been in a committed relationship for over five years. But you are gay. And although studies show that children of gay parents suffer no ill effects by being part of this unconventional family, this mother does not want you to raise her child.

“Adoption is always a difficult, time-consuming, and expensive process. But for gay couples, it is often a process without resolution.”

And go from there.

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